February 14th is fast approaching. But, before the vast majority of us who remain single for this holiday resort to the comfort and dependability of a fresh batch of internet memes, we pondered the idea of love and what exactly it means to us high school seniors. What is love? And why do we love? Well, we asked. And here are your answers.
1. When do you know you’re in love? Is there a defining moment?
When you realize how important the other person is to you. I. E. when some situation comes up that forces you to recognize your feelings, or when, by personal introspection you realize how much you care for the other person.
When all you do is think about someone constantly and what you love about them. I think that if you can also imagine starting a life with them, that might also be a clue that you're in love.
When you begin talking to someone you may develop feelings of love over time, and I think you know when your in love because you begin to look forward to talking with them more and more. Small details about their personality and person become evident and stick with you, and the more you learn, the more you love. Time spent with them will feel smooth and relaxing, yet also nerve-wracking as you wonder if they feel the same. Soon enough, if you're lucky, you ask them out and then the fun begins with a new chapter.
2. What’s your relationship history?
I have not been in a relationship before but the closest I’ve been is in a flirtationship. My first-hand experience with other serious couples gives me an idea of what to do and what not to. For me, the biggest problem of relationships is miscommunication. People nowadays are so freakin’ stupid they never say what is on their mind and what they desire. Instead they just wait and wants their partner to figure it out. When you have a problem, tell the other person and what you want in order to fix it.
I have never been in a serious relationship. (x3)
3. Describe the feelings that you have/had for this person. How have they changed over time?
You should get a lot more comfortable around them physically and mentally. But you shouldn’t lose the spice! They should be the first person you think about in terms of happiness and sadness. You’re basically addicted at first but as time goes on, telling them everything shouldn't be a big deal.
While I might not be the best at describing the feelings of romantic attachment, I shall describe the feelings I have that run closest to that. The feelings of love I have for others is a desire to always be around that person, when they are hurting it hurts in my chest, like I'm empty inside. I desire to help them with anything and everything, but above all else, I want them to be happy, and when they are, it brings a smile to my face.
4. In your own words, what is love?
Love is the feeling of such deep attachment to another person that you would do anything for them. Not only would you do anything, but you do it happily, because it makes you happy to see them happy, and to help them in any way. If you love someone, you are willing to die for them, or to live to help them.
Love is usually described as a verb. The first thing I think of is this verse from the Bible.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8 New International Version (NIV)
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.
I think that, simply put, love is the consistent and sustained act of putting another person's wants/needs/happiness above your own. People think of romantic love as something that's way detached from familial love, but I really think they're just about one and the same. When I imagine myself really being in love with someone, I imagine myself wanting to create a life with someone, a family.
5. Has the way you love changed and will it change over time?
It may change over time, but my concept of love and how I love has stayed the same since I was ~5 years old.
When I was little I thought of love as what you seen on the TV and movies. But growing up I realized that it was not reality. Now I know that love is more than just the “I love you’s.” It is this constant presence that is there even in the middle of the rough times. I think it is the pillar that sustains us in times of need and desperation. Going into the future, I think my idea of love will expand and end up being more specific.
6. What is your perception of love is based on? Your parents, those around you, your religion, etc? How so?
My parents have definitely played a role in my perception of love because they had an arranged marriage. This practice is relatively common in my culture and most of my relatives are a part of or a product of an arranged marriage. The concept makes me believe that it is possible to eventually learn to love someone. Personally, I would hate being in a marriage of that nature because I enjoy free will in all aspects of my life, and especially in love.
I think what influences many teenage relationships today is the saturation of the media we consume with unrealistic ideas of what a relationship is and what it should be. I believe that when people expect their partner to model themselves after a character from a fanfiction or a post under #relationshipgoals they're bound to be let down. I grew up surrounded by realistic love, and I honestly think that my ideal relationship is one like that of my parents or grandparents: functional, affectionate, and committed, yet never sappy or out of touch with reality. Further, I think my own conceptions of love are shaped by my own experiences and opinions--neither enamor nor sex nor public displays of affection equate to a healthy relationship, and certainly not to love.
My perception of love is based on a couple of things. It is first based on Christ. I feel like if a relationship is centered around Christ, then it will be able to take on whatever problems the world could throw at it. After Christ, I would say my parents. My parents never had the traditional arranged marriage, but fell in love and have been married for a little over 35 years now. Thus, their love is definitely what i would consider "relationship goals.”
My perception of love is based on my personal philosophizing and upbringing. I was born in a Christian household, and growing up I read the Bible a lot, as well as fairy tales, or books based on them. The Bible talks of love as an all consuming, overwhelming feeling, something which has no equal in magnitude and ferocity. Fairy tales talk of love as devotion, finding a person you love and loving them forever. I thought about other types of love I saw and thought over which were best. Temporary love seemed useless to me, love is eternal, a never ending all consuming feeling, it doesn't really come and go. So I decided that it lined up most with my beliefs for love to be an eternal all consuming entity, that never goes away but stays forever.
Based on the love my mom and I have for each other. During the time that I have been at OSSM, my mom has made a lot of effort to encourage me and pray for me, and just generally remind me that she is proud of me. She'll repeat bible verses to me and send me cards (she knows I love getting cards) reminding me that she's there for me. I've realized that she does this because she wants me to know how much loves and believes in me, so this is the model I use for unconditional love on.
Growing up I think I thought of "love" as something more romanticized than realistic, meaning I expected falling in love with someone to be more reminiscent of a movie rather than simply wanting to spend your life with someone special. My conception of love now is certainly shaped by vague and low expectations, so I'm sure that as I become more experienced in long-term relationships my ideas will change even more. But in all reality, I'm not sure how (I'm not Raven Symone).
7. What do you desire most from a relationship? Why?
My significant other should be one of my best friends. I am convinced that I will be incapable of being in a relationship if it doesn't progress from friendship to something more. I feel that I would be most comfortable in a relationship with someone that I can readily share my deepest thoughts and silliest moments with.
What I want most, besides love, is understanding. I want whoever I end up with to understand me, to understand that I am a human being and all of the hazards that come with that, and to understand that nothing can hinder love if you don't allow it to.
To be important. I believe that in a relationship, if you don't both prioritize the other over a large majority of things, how can it be a successful or healthy relationship?
8. What are your greatest insecurities about being in love?
My greatest insecurity about being in love is probably being unprepared for what it truly entails and having such a far off idea of what it is that I am disappointed. Being raised in a culture that doesn’t endorse dating has made love a distant concept that I won’t experience until my mid-20s. So I wonder if I will really know what it takes to be in a relationship.
Probably being abandoned. If you love someone you invest yourself fully in that person, and if they leave you, it would be like a part of yourself being ripped away, that pain and sadness is not something I ever want to feel.
Falling out of love. I know that romantic love doesn't always last forever, but it would definitely suck if the person I loved fell out of love with me first.
What I'm most insecure about is unrequited love, as it's just a tragic sort of love which everyone experiences at some point in time. To develop feelings for someone is fine, but actually asking them out is a scary decision in any situation which leaves you exposed if you don't keep your hope in check. Either way, denial is a scary and awkward thing to deal with and despite being a natural part of life.
Insecurity is a major problem for young adults, and it absolutely affects the success or failure of their first relationships—I’d imagine that the most common stem from insecurity with one's body or searching for a sense of self. I think my biggest insecurity, though, is opening up about my past. Of course I present the best version of my current self in the beginning of a relationship—but how will my partner react if they find that who I am is not who I've always been? Is it best to share my entire history at the beginning of a relationship, or should I keep my secrets to myself? I think this is all to say that I have a fear of being rejected by someone to whom I give my heart.
9. Do you ever catch yourself falling for a “type” of partner or making the same mistakes? If so, why?
I usually tend to be a attracted to athletic guys, and sometimes go so far as to overlook their negative qualities. I guess part of me thinks that if I could just get these guys to know me, I could make them better people. I now realize that your aim should never be to change anybody else, and that if someone just doesn't fit you, then you need to look elsewhere for a crush.
If I fall for a guy, it's usually because they have a good sense of humor, or that they dress up real nice. So I guess the "funny guy" or "most well dressed."
10. Do you believe in true love? Why or why not?
I don't believe in true love. Why? Because love is hard work, as it takes consistent communication and understanding. It's natural that in any given relationship conflict may occur at some point in time, and often times it takes some effort from both parties to resolve it. I think that there are people who can be naturally compatible, but I don't think that people have to necessarily be completely compatible to fall in love with each other. Rather, I'd say it's a matter of circumstance and work, for even what seems to be an unlikely pairing can work out with the right sort of communication.
If by true love you mean unconditional love, then I think that exists. I think the purest form of true love can be found between parents and children, or between siblings or relatives. These kinds of bonds are much harder to break than they are between couples.
I definitely believe in true love, but it goes back to my religion. I think that for most people (unless they’re destined for celibacy or something), God has created a life partner He intends for them and a relationship with that person is true love.
Yes and no. Yes, because there will be someone out there to make you feel like a queen (even though I already am). No, because you can control when you want that true love to happen and who you want it to happen with.
11. How do you think OSSM as an environment has affected your relationships?
It's made me prioritize existing friendships over meeting new people. There's not enough time to hang out with everyone so I have come to heavily prioritize those closest to me.
I want one SO FRIKIN BADLY. But just for the experience. Before, I was good with cooly sighting my views, but now I’m so desperate. But also, looking at all the couples around me has taught me lessons on how my partner should behave with me.
12. What are some important lessons you’ve learned?
I have learned that if love is something you seek, don't ever settle for less than what you want out of a partner or deserve, or else you'll only set yourself up for unhappiness. By observing the relationships around me, including my parents’, I have also learned what I want out of a partner and what I could never settle for.
The most important thing I've learned is that you can't sit around and hope for a relationship to pop up—rather, don't worry about it and have fun doing what you do. You'll find someone eventually, and even if it's only a brief moment when you can be with the person, keep your chin up! Out of the however many people out there in the world, I doubt there's only one person for you. So keep being yourself, and make the most of everyday; one day, that person you're being will catch someones attention.