Happy Valentine's Day! Single or not, love is definitely not the "rainbows and butterflies" we often see it as in fairytales and romance movies. Instead, love is different for everyone--often, it's filled with compromise, subtle understanding, triviality, and frankly, emotional hell. If you're a couple, then this one's for you.
1. When do you know you’re in love? Is there a defining moment?
Maybe there is a defining moment when someone realizes that they’re in love, but as for me, I definitely identify more with experiencing the gradual process of “falling in love.” There’s not a specific moment that I can pinpoint, like where I just suddenly had an epiphany that I had stepped from the “I like you” to the “I love you” zone. Instead, as I dug deeper into the other person’s personality and as the relationship developed, I often found myself randomly thinking, “man, I really love this person, and I never want to lose him.” I still have those thoughts everyday, and I don’t think they’ll be stopping anytime soon. I really do believe that falling in love is a never-ending process; it’s something that grows deeper day by day.
You don't know. When you realize you're in love, it's already too late. That moment when you think to yourself “oh, I'm in love with this girl", you can look back and see that you have already been showing those signs of love for a while.
Honestly, I don’t think there is a defining moment for actual love. Maybe there is a moment when you’re like, “wow, I like her” but to go beyond that takes time, not a single incident. I also don’t remember when I knew I was for sure “in love”, but now I know I do. I had always questioned whether or not I was in love with her; I was never sure if I truly loved her or if it was just a strong like. Now I am sure I do, because after going through hell and back emotionally with her, I still love her very much and will stick by her even through the past and current struggles.
2. What is your perception of love based on? Your parents, those around you, your religion, media, etc? If so, how?
My perception of love comes from my faith. I really felt God’s presence whenever I spent time with my youth group, and they shaped my idea of love. When I think of love, two Bible verses always come to mind:
1. We love because He first loved us. -1 John 4:19
2. Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant. -1 Corinthians 13:4
My youth group has unconditionally cared about me, and they have provided me with proof of God’s love.
My own feelings. Not sure how to describe it, but the way my parents are and how I am is very very different, probably because we were raised in two different environments. Christianity probably plays a role into how I treat my girlfriend and the things I do with her, like managing lust and always trying to be as loving as possible. Media overplays some dumb stuff and I have an aversion to people and things that listen to “society” without first considering their own thoughts.
3. Have you been in a serious relationship before? What makes or breaks a relationship?
Yes, the relationship I’m in right now is the first relationship that I would consider serious. I haven’t been through a real break-up, so I don’t personally know what “breaks” a relationship. However, I’ve learned that there are several things that a couple has to work through and that not everything is perfect. I honestly think that if the love is genuine, then there’s no such thing as a “make or break.” The combination of ups and downs shapes the relationship, and several factors are needed to determine whether the relationship will be successful or not.
Yes; what ended my last relationship was the lack of communication. We drifted apart from each other since I took harder classes and such, and we started to talk less and care less about each other. When we did communicate, conversation was directed toward mundane topics, and we were less interested in who each other actually were.
It’s been complicated but each has been a learning experience for me to realize who I wish to have in my life and what I want out of a relationship. Each of my past relationships has ended on congenial terms and with a general sense of friendship while my current relationship is healthy and happy which are two things that are distinguishable and important to me.
Only one, and the one I’m in right now. Love makes it, lust breaks it. If a relationship is made purely around, say sex, or anything like that, then it will fall apart. Actually, if it is made purely around anything, it will fall apart if that thing disappears or one partner loses interest in it. The most important part to me is enjoying someone not just for the things you like about them, since nothing is static, whether it be a “hot” passion or physical beauty.
4. Describe the feelings that you have/had for this person. How have these feelings changed depending on how the relationship evolved?
I have always been a very indecisive person. He definitely figured out his feelings first. I remember when I first met him; I thought he was super funny in his own way and really fun to hang around. I found myself talking about him a lot to some of my closest friends, but at the time and I just thought of him as an interesting friend that I knew I cared about and wanted to learn more about. I remember that I had thought plenty of times that I could start liking this guy, but for some reason I dismissed the thought every time. We ended up texting a bunch and calling each other to do homework together. As a very energetic and extroverted person, all the time I spent talking to him ended up leading him on, and he ended up telling me about his feelings. I freaked out (in both a good way and a bad way). I wasn’t ready at all. I knew I was interested, but I didn’t know if I was THAT interested. I needed more time to get to know him first, so I told him that I wasn’t sure about my feelings and that I wasn’t prepared for anything to actually happen.
Unfortunately, after some time, I ended up spending a bunch of time with another guy, and I had a short fling, not serious at all relationship. The first guy found out, and surprisingly, he just waited. As the school year went on, I was still unsure and didn’t want to start anything, and again, he waited. Finally, one day as I was reading “The Invisible Man,” I caught myself thinking about him, and I realized that I felt really happy when I was around him. I told him. He seemed to be surprised and happy at the same time. But I still didn’t want to start anything official—partly because of my parents and partly because I was still sorting out feelings.
Some time passes, and history repeats itself. His feelings for me surpassed my feelings for him, so his actions towards me came off as clingy. On top of that, I started catching feelings for another guy… So, I ended things. Everything was super complicated, and I don’t even remember everything. I just remember I was very confused, and I felt very sad that I had hurt him.
Some more time passes, and my feelings were a mess. After much confusion, I realized that the other guy was not who I needed. I found that the first guy was the right guy all along. The guy who had been waiting for me all that time. Then, the rest is history. Just kidding. There’s still much more to tell.
But basically, ever since that point, I started the process of falling in love and of finding out all that a relationship has to offer—the good and the bad. Lots of learning and laughing and crying and loving. My feelings are usually crazy, but thankfully, he’s the stable and constant one in our relationship.
For the person which I’m currently with I have feelings of affection and care which may grow into love as the relationship progresses. However, if it does not then the romantic affection I feel may fade but my care for them won’t diminish.
Yeah, things have changed, but not everything. Before she ever liked me, back when I was chasing shadows, I would literally do anything for her. Whatever she needed or wanted, even if she didn’t ask, I would do for her. I was crazy but I wouldn’t say I was in love back then. More like infatuated/obsessed. Now, while I still love her very much, I can’t say I’m obsessed in the same way I was before. Obviously I still do things for her (many things), I view her very differently now than I did before. From like almost an idol to girl that I need to protect and love, like a knight and princess.
5. In your own words, what is love?
Love is when you truly care about someone no matter what. Love is being understanding, being concerned about the person’s happiness above your own, being compromising, and being forgiving. There’s much more to love than can be put into words.
Love is when you can see yourself thriving in any situation with that individual at your side and knowing that you personally are happy, which while seeming selfish is incredibly important to me.
6. How was your idea of love changed over time and do you think it will change in the future?
Seriously committed means seriously committed. When you date a person for a long time you will clearly see their flaws and being in a relationship requires serious maturity where both sides will hopefully grow.
Love is a blessing for sure, but I’ve discovered that it’s not always roses and rainbows. Love is just so many things. I don’t think my idea of love will necessarily change, but it will definitely continue to develop and grow.
Before, love was the love in the movies. Fiery, passionate, romantic, selfless, but in my first relationship I realized that love was far from that. It was conniving, and selfish, and overall, stressful. Love wasn’t the huge fairytale I thought it would be all the time, but it was at some times. I realized that the movies highlighted only the best and most dramatic. They would never emphasize the comfortable silences shared across the phone or stealing the other person’s clothes just to get a scent of them. Movies never showcased these qualities of love, and I wish they would have so that I could’ve learned earlier to appreciate those quiet moments.
7. What do you desire most from a relationship? Why?
Understanding.
This is a tough question. I love feeling comfortable and safe as well as being able to laugh a ton, but what I value most of all is that he is a man of God. I know that he’s still learning and maturing, but the fact that he is pursuing God and helping me to better pursue God is the most important to me. My relationship with God is something that I care about deeply, and his ability to understand that and share that value is what I’ve always desired most in a relationship.
For me, in this stressful environment, I want companionship and comfort. It’s so easy to get bogged down in all the homework that needs to be done, so at the end of the day when I can just chill with my loved one, that’s my time to destress and just think about how my day went and be grateful. Comfort is vital for me since I get stressed easily and often need help taking a step back to look at the bigger picture. At the same time I want companionship. Someone to play video games with. Someone that I can work on homework with. Someone to live life with. My current relationship does give me this, but I look forward to the improvements we can make.
Affection and the feeling that they genuinely care about me. I’ve been lonely for a long time, and still have my moments, and it has made me pretty cynical in regards to other people. I have times when I feel like no one cares about me, other than my family, whom I sometimes delude myself into thinking they don’t care. At times it can get pretty rough. But, these days I just don’t care as much if people don’t care about me because I have other things to worry about. It doesn’t bug me as much anymore, but it definitely feels good when I truly feel cared about by her.
Someone who truly treats me special. Someone who respects me, understands me, and is there for me no matter what. Someone who can deal with all my good and bad sides. Someone who can help me become a better person but someone who doesn’t make me feel insecure or think any less of myself. Someone who loves me for who I am. Someone I can trust and depend on for anything without a doubt. I could go on but I’ll stop here.
8. What are your greatest insecurities about being in love?
I think some insecurities I’ve experienced are mostly external and useless, while his insecurities have been more internal and genuine. For example, seeing other couples (who live close to each other and have less restrictive parents) do cute things together makes me feel envious at times. I care too much about the outward appearance of our relationship and I take for granted a lot of times the things that we DO get to do together.
In my last relationship I found myself slowly caring less and less about the person. Getting caught in monotony and not appreciating what they do for me. I grew prideful and began to think of myself above them and though that “I could do better.” Thanks to OSSM, my pride has taken a huge hit, but still these thoughts linger in my head, like “What if there’s someone better in college?” and so on. My biggest insecurity about being in love is that I don’t share the commitment my partner may have which might lead to an unbalanced relationship.
I don’t really have any insecurities anymore, since my partner and I are very comfortable together and more or less secure, but I had major jealousy problems in the past. However, I frankly don’t care anymore and I know that she will love me no matter how many boys try to talk to her.
My greatest insecurity about being in love is the fear that it is just a game to the other individual to pass the time and that my emotions may be toyed with.
9. Do you ever catch yourself falling for a certain “type” of partner/qualities? If so, why?
Nope. No specific ethnicity, height, or personality type. I guess the only thing that’s remained constant is the fact that I find myself naturally attracted to guys that are attracted to God. I find it interesting that his personality type is exactly the opposite of mine though. I guess opposites really do attract.
Yes. Smiles are always great, and sunny dispositions, since I tend to give off an aura of gloominess even though I’m not always gloomy. I also like nice legs and fitted tops, but that’s kinda irrelevant. Sneakers are also preferable over anything else. And wavy hair. But back to personality traits, I really like when I can tease someone and they don’t get offended. To me, this seems to be extremely rare in females.
Tall, athletic, smart, funny guys. But commonly, guys who are complete flirts. (which can mean trouble, lol)
10. Do you believe in true love? Why or why not?
No, love is something that you build up; true love comes with price and sacrifice.
Yes, I believe I do! God’s love for us is the truest of loves, and I think that the person we end up with romantically is whom God has specifically set aside for us. That seems truer than true, if I don’t say so myself.
Yes. Because what would love be if it weren’t true? False love? That’s just a lie, not love. True love = love.
11. How do you think the environment at OSSM has affected your relationship?
It’s helped in several ways. First of all, it allows me to actually be with him since we live in different cities. OSSM’s restrictive environment also helps us to make sure there is less lust in the relationship. Additionally, the great support system that we have at OSSM has provided us with useful advice and unforgettable fun. Overall, OSSM will be a special experience and memory that we share.
OSSM is hecka stressful; just being in this environment puts a strain on our relationship. My partner has often told me that they like my personality more during the summer because I was more laid back. But, at the same time it’s been a blessing. Not only does our relationship get tested by the stress here but I get to have a more intimate relationship since we live in the same environment together. I treasure the “good night” we say to each other.
Mere exposure effect. Living in the confines of this place is good because you get to see each other a lot, but bad when you want some alone time and can’t make an excuse to go do your own thing for a bit
OSSM has ended and started relationships for me; I believe that OSSM makes it both difficult and easy to have a relationship within its walls. It's difficult because of the restrictions created by PDA rules and how they are enforced depending on the day or individual enforcing them, as well as the stress that comes with our work load, which is to be expected. However, constantly being around one another makes it easier for relationships to be created and maintained, though that ease of constant contact makes it difficult to adjust to the small amount of contact outside of OSSM when your partner may live 4 hours away.
Yes, OSSM has definitely affected my relationship, as well as every relationship that happens here. At OSSM, you can't run and hide from your problems. You live with your S.O. and see them everyday, so it can get really tiring if you've been fighting with them 24/7.
You also have to figure out balancing time with your friends and with your S.O. and peer pressure can really screw you over. Your friends are all there, watching your relationship and probably judging it, and a lot of the times they can be very negative. You can either:
a) confront your friends about it and talk it out
b) shove it down and let it affect your relationship in a very bad way
c) grow a thicker skin and try to not let it get to you.
If your friends are your real friends, they wouldn't be talking about your relationship behind your back. They would be honest and upfront about it. I think being here at OSSM has taught me to be much more patient with the other person, and it's taught me to forgive and essentially forget. Who can stand being angry and upset all the time? It's not fun for you or the other person, and it doesn't solve any problems. It's easier to learn how to forgive, and I think it's better in the long run. I think it's also taught me how to communicate better, although we're still working on that.
12. What are some lessons you’ve learned from being in love?
Uh, way too many to recall. Communication is crucial. Patience is key. Understanding is vital. Laughter is essential (Well, I didn’t learn this from being in love, I’m just saying). And so much more.
I’ve learned that when you’re in a relationship, you need to know when to work through issues and when to let go of the other person if they aren’t progressing like you do. Two phrases have kept me in the right mindset and determine what I want to do within my relationships. While the first is slightly odd, I believe it holds some truth.
1. “The feeling of butterflies in your stomach should be stronger than pains you’re feeling.”
2. “Make sure that you’re happy because of the present and future rather than just holding onto the past.”
1. Don’t be jealous.
2. Show some love.
3. But don’t overdo it because it gets real bad when you can’t live up to expectations.
Be yourself. Love yourself. Only then can you learn to love others.
Think. Don’t let emotions control your life.
Figure yourself out first. Don’t let others pressure you into anything.
Be happy!!!