Just four months after He was blamed for spending too much time trying to stop couples from getting frisky on Valentine’s Day instead of preventing the school shooting in Parkland, God has recently been accused of negligence yet again in the aftermath of the Santa Fe School Shooting. Earlier today, documents were leaked showing He had decided to take His first summer vacation in 5000 years. “Back then this would have been no big deal, but now that there are 7.6 billion of you it’s like if I look away for a second one of you gets the bright idea to shoot up another school,” God tried to explain.
“I used to have to get pretty creative when trying to orchestrate these tragedies,” the Devil reminisces. “I remember when I had to find someone with a vaguely Middle Eastern sounding name so complaints of Radical Islamic Terrorism would drown out any rational thinking, but now I can just pick any guy off the street and after a week of having the same fruitless argument over gun control, everything just goes back to the way it was.”
God has tried to distance himself from those that are sending their condolences to the victims of the shooting. “You know I’m getting a little sick and tired that after every single one of these shootings, you guys want ME to make everything better. Honestly, most of the time when I get an email with the subject line 'Thoughts and Prayers', I don’t even bother to read it anymore.”